Well this is a special day for sure
A day that will be filled with much demure
As we all know this is the day
When Diddy will make it to 80 half way

Now what does this mean this milestone of sorts?
I think it’s a time to reflect with cohorts
about all the things that have happened you know
Since Diddy came out that fellopian door

Men have walked on the moon
and made many space trips

All the girls have learned how
to get really big lips

There’s a rumor now that you can
regrow your hair

Many places now sell yellow
mens underwear

If you don’t have enough money
you can charge night and day

If you’re old you can have surgery
to make wrinkles go away

But let us reflect on the things that will aide
Our good buddy Diddy in his older of days
like pills for the pee pee
and fiber for the stools
and those adult diapers for long trips and tours

It’s a marvel indeed these times which we live
and the great things that science has made for the Did
So let us rejoice in another fine year
and toast with the Did a big pint of beer.

“40 is the new 25″ -The Did.

I’ve heard it once
I’ve heard it twice
I’ve heard it so much
that it’s hard to be nice

Look at these guns
I’m not even flexing
have you seen my car
God Damn I’m too Sexy!!

Did you know I’m a pilot?
That’s right I can fly
Have you seen my penis?
It’s a foot long no lie!!

Diddy I know that you’re one of a kind
And I say this with many strange things in mind
You know we all love you.. you know that we care
And all of us know.. you’re making up for a lack of hair.

I knew a boy named Didmund
He came from Puru
He wasn’t like me
and he’s not like you

He lives in a castle
on the bottom of a hill
He likes wearing yellow
and drinking his fill

I know it seems odd
and it’s really quite strange
but somtimes he likes to play goofy word games

It all seems quite normal
a casual chat
and then he’ll pop off
with a rat tit tat tat

I don’t know what they mean
It makes talking quite sticky
when all of the sudden he says
licky licky sticky sticky chicky doo doo

I don’t mean to linger
on Didmund’s stange words
And with that I’ll leave you
with his finest of slurs..

pow chicky pow pow
boom chicky boom boom

The End

I’ve asked you once.. I’ve asked you twice
I’ve done everything I can to ask you nice
But the time has come to set you straight
I’m getting old, can’t afford to wait.

If not tonight then maybe tomorrow
We’ll go to the costume store and a mask we’ll borrow
We’ll bring it home then drink some wine
And we will have the grandest time

At a quarter till ten you’ll put on the mask
And strip on down to your bare ass
Then I’ll come in and be your assistant
And you will pretend to be the greatest mystic

This will go on well into the night
Maybe until the morning’s daylight
And you’ll be glad as we look at the pictures
That you finally became my naked Wizard!!

One shrimp, Two Shrimp, Three Shrimp, Four
Diddy saw shrimpin and he don’t want to see more
I think he’s scared cause it’s really quite simple
Go find a straw, insert and pull inward

It’s not about glamour and it’s not about ruse
It’s not about fecal impactions or booze
It’s about having fun with your family and friends
And having great stories to pass on to kin.

So all of you out there don’t be like the Did
And take somthing so simple and make it a sin
Just follow your heart and you’ll see what I mean
Cause shrimpin is somthing that isn’t obscene!

It’s a little known fact that I tell you now
My buddy Diddy has issues and how!
He tans all day long and listens to songs
that make teenage girls jiggle their badonkadonks

I don’t know why it tickles him so
To sing these gay songs and act like a ho
But alas I must say as it strikes me as odd
That he remembers the words to all of these songs

I’ve coined a phrase for this anomaly
That I feel describes the problems that be
This phrase I will give, it’s the phrase of the day
I call it photohomo memory!!

If I had a Diddy that was 2 feet tall
I’d feed him vienna sausages that were mostly raw
he would lap them up and then wipe his chin
And then he’d want to do it all over again

Those tiny weenies in a metal can
can make any 2 foot Diddy feel more like a man
But he can’t eat them all through the day
Or he might start growing some other way

His belly I tell you would start sticking out
and he’d look in the mirror and let out a pout
Cause a little fella like that can’t live on weiners alone
Though I know he’d try because he looooooves the weiner!

In today’s society, the male of the species will go to great lengths to entertain the female.

As men, we must remember that all females are not created equally. Obviously they look very
different, but this is really the least of your worries when attempting to verbally interact with them.

For instance, take our subject Diddy. Diddy has decided to take a mid day tan at the local tannery.

Diddy enters the tannery and encounters two female shop keepers. Instinctually, Diddy begins to
interact with them. Let’s examine the following dialouge:

Scene: Diddy walks to the counter and requests a room for tanning, the girls oblige and at this point
Diddy could have been on his way to tan. Instead, Diddy begins his extended interactions.

Diddy – “There had better not be any web cams back in that room”

Discussion: Diddy has eluded to the popular behavior of tanning booth owners in today’s society of placing
cameras in the booths at tanneries to film the patrons. The irony in his statement is that normally this
is done to capture unsuspecting females on tape for later viewing. You can see how Diddy has inverted
this situation in hopes of getting the females to giggle.

Female Subjects Response – “What???”

Discussion: There are many assumptions that can be derived from this response. It’s obvious there is a certain
level of confusion exhibited by the subjects. One conclusion at this point could be that the female subjects
do not have the cognitive capabilty to understand the irony in Diddy’s statement. If this is the case Diddy
would be wise to proceed with extreme caution. If he were to make the female subjects paranoid at any level
it would not be out of the question for them to alert the authorities. Remember, there is a fine line between
funny haha and funny weird.

Another assumption is that the female subjects are merely looking for clarification. This still speaks to the
typically lower level of cognitive processing power that the female possesses. If Diddy choses to proceed down
the path of humor he must remember to speak slowly and use smaller words.

Diddy – “I said there’d better not be any web cams in my room. I don’t want to find out that I’m doing gay porn”

Discussion: Notice how Diddy has chosen to not only elaborate the statement, but also to repeat what was
initially stated. It is good practice to repeat statements to females to ensure that they have had ample
opportunity to grasp what was said.

Female Subjects – “HAHAHAHAHAHAH”

Discussion: Congratulations Diddy, this is fine work. The Board feels that this was truly a gutsy way to handle
this situation. Our audience must understand though, that it takes alot of practice to pull this one off. You
must be able to read your subject well before attempting dialouge at this level. It is our recommendation that
you initially take a more subtle approach to a situation such as this.

If I had a Diddy that was 3 feet tall.
I would take him bowling and make him the ball!!
I would throw him hard right down the lane.
And his rugged little helmet would make us kings of the game.

We’d win many trophies and make lots of friends.
We’d be known round the world for knocking down pins.
We’d drink lots of beers at the bowling alley pubs.
I’d get my little Diddy hookers so he could make midget love!!

Now this all sounds great but it’s really just a dream.
The truth of it is Diddy’s just as tall as me.
The best I can hope for is maybe some day
He’ll get hit by a golf cart and lose both his legs!

The End.